We rented I Don’t Know How She Does It last night. I remember reading the book years ago and finding it hilarious. We adore Sarah Jessica Parker in our house so how could I possibly find fault with the movie, right?
Okay - first of all, let me tell you how she does it. She HAS A NANNY. AND A HUSBAND. And probably makes a bajillion dollars at her job as an investment banker. That, my friends, is how she does it. Okay, I know the book is fiction and Kate is a made up character, who despite being told her hair is a wreck and she’s disheveled, she manages to look pretty freakin’ good throughout the movie. Of course, it's fiction. Here's the non-fiction version:
I’m a single mom, I have a job for which I have to travel at times, I’m also pursuing a Masters degree. I have a house, two rescue pets and two kids. Teenagers. One’s a type one diabetic. I can’t even look at that sentence without wondering how I do it. With that being said, here’s what goes on at my house on a pretty regular basis.
Last night, I had a cold. I put water in the kettle for tea and put the kettle on the burner. I turned on the burner and remembered I never responded to an important email. Went up to my office, responded to the email and began paying bills. Remembered I needed to start dinner. Headed downstairs. At the top of the stairs, I smelled pine. How nice, thought I. My scented candles cleverly emit fragrance even when they’re not lit. Except one was lit, from the bottom up. I had it sitting on the back burner which I inadvertently turned on in lieu of the front burner on which sat the kettle. The wax was liquefied and when I moved the candle, the glass cracked. Smoke was everywhere. Rachel was in the living room having her guitar lesson. I asked her if she noticed the odd smell. She said "yep" and kept playing. Liquid wax seeped all over my glass stove, I cleaned it up as best I could before it hardened but guess what? It hardened.
At our house, I leave candles lit and leave the house to go to church. I let my dogs out to play in the yard while I go to the store. My neighbor has to call Animal Control because they get their collars hooked together and attempt to kill each other trying to get free. I go to the pharmacy and look down expecting to see my grey UGGS and I find that I’m wearing bedroom slippers. It took me three years to MAIL an amended tax return. That's right, it was done. I just had to sign it, fold it, write the check and put it in the mail. THREE YEARS??? I find a Bear in the Big Blue House tent in my attic that I bought for my children’s Christmas gift years ago. Still in the box. Never given.
Rachel hasn’t eaten anything green since she accidently ingested a piece of moldy cheese. Instead of putting her laundry away after it sits on her chair for six weeks, Emily just throws the clean clothes back in the hamper. That’s how I get wrinkles out of clothes as well. That rancid smell emitting from my desk? A salad I left in the drawer when I had to leave work early when Emily got sick. Why the hell it was in a drawer in the first place, I’ll never know.
I'll take a bit of Kate's pancake batter on my suit collar any day over some of this stuff! My non-fiction story won’t be I Don’t Know How She Does It. It will be I Don’t Know How She Does It and Doesn’t Manage to Kill Everyone Around Her. I could go on and on but I barely have time to read a book let alone write one. So I’ll leave that to the….ahem…experts.
Where’s the Tylenol?